Dear COVID-19,

As a pandemic mom of three kids under five, I just wanted to take a moment to thank you. This has been an extremely challenging season, but as usual, the greatest growth happens in the tough times. I quickly wanted to let you know all of the ways that you have helped me grow.

Thank you for destroying any ideas I had about being perfect. I am a perfectionist in many ways, but this past year has completely obliterated any identity of perfectionism that I formerly clung to. I do not have it all together. I am a mess. And yet, I am capable of much more than I thought. I can, quite imperfectly, spend every minute of every day with every member of my immediate family for an extended period of time (much longer than any of us anticipated). I can also provide three meals a day to all of them (even if it is a whole lot of peanut butter and jelly). I can keep them alive, clothed, and somewhat happy, and at the end of the day, that is an overwhelming mom win. Thank you for helping me lower my standards of mom success to the bare essentials. It is truly freeing!

Thank you for helping me learn to deal with guilt in a healthier way. This pandemic mom got slapped in the face with overwhelming guilt from shutdown day 1. I love my kids so much. I quickly realized that my husband and I were their only sources for everything- social interaction, emotional support, nutritional fulfillment, spiritual development, educational growth, verbal affirmation, and on and on. I felt exhausted by constantly trying to fill in all of the gaps in their needs and guilty when I came up short. 

Their constant question, “Mommy, will you play with me?” haunted me. I could feel myself cringe with each time they asked. I wanted to be everything that they needed, but if I had to play with those ponies one more time I might have a mental breakdown. I felt guilty for fantasizing about being anywhere but with them. I finally learned an important lesson— setting boundaries and saying no is not a reason to feel guilty. I can choose to play with my kids and ooh and aah over whatever follows “Mom, watch this” for the first thousand times and then choose not to, and that is not only okay, but healthy. 

Thank you for helping me decipher the difference between being a victim of my circumstances and the empowerment of choice. For a while, I was frustrated with the idea of being stuck without a choice in a set of challenging circumstances. I couldn’t do what I wanted because I viewed my kids (whom I love dearly) as weighing me down against my will. My personal goals and work were set aside to meet the needs of my family, and it was easy to start resenting them as a result. After mounting frustration with constant interruptions to any attempts to work, I decided to make a shift. 

I made a choice. I chose to set aside my work for a season. Once I acknowledged that I could stick my kids in front of screens and work or I could set work aside and choose to embrace this season by directing my focus toward my family. Even though choosing required giving up something that I loved, knowing that I had the power to choose, I felt empowered to move forward. While each mom’s situation is different, we all have a choice. 

Thank you for helping me develop a personal responsibility for the education of my children. I always wanted to homeschool, until I met my first born child and realized that it would be a terrible idea. And then, lo and behold, I find myself homeschooling said child for Pre-K. While it has consisted of its fair share of spirited arguments, homeschooling has also had its bright spots. I am amazed at my daughters’ ability to learn, I love watching them grow, and I can’t wait to have regular teachers join back into this mix. 

Even more than the academic education of my kids, I am truly enjoying being the primary spiritual educator for my children. Instead of asking them what they learned in their class at church, I get to do church with them. I will always treasure these months of doing church together in our living room. 

Thank you for helping me teach my kids important life lessons that I wouldn’t have unless I had to. I got the opportunity to teach my kids how to deal with loss. We experienced so many little losses. It is difficult to watch the little ones you love lose something they love, even if it is something very small. We found a huge clover patch in a field down the street, and the girls loved to roll around in the lush leaves and giggle as the flowers crushed under their toes. One day, when we went to play, the clovers had been mown down. The girls were devastated. It was just one of so many losses, many intangible, that my kids experienced over and over. They grieved missed field trips, closed playgrounds, quarantine birthday parties, and socially distanced holidays. Learning to experience disappointment, and to grieve, and then to move forward again is so important. I can’t count how many times I wrapped them in my arms and said, “That is really sad. It’s okay to feel sad about that.” 

You also taught my kids how to fight love each other. My middle daughter learned to really start talking right around the shutdown. It was great because the two older girls could play together and communicate. It was also around that time that my oldest decided she didn’t like what the other had to say. Unfortunately, they were stuck with each other. They have learned to play together, fight a lot, forgive each other, and go back to playing. There was no opportunity for them to play with someone else or walk away without resolving the issue. Conflict resolution is an invaluable skill.

Thank you for making it so apparent that I cannot make it through a single day without God. It is easy in the regular routine for a high capacity person to believe that I can do this on my own. I have never been more sure that I absolutely cannot. Without complete dependence on Christ, I quickly get frustrated, lose my joy, sink into self-pity, wallow in the martyrdom of motherhood, and lose sight of all that is truly important. Without Christ, I get sucked in to social media squabbles, get triggered by political events, and get devastated by the news. This season has been a trial-by-fire training ground in which to practice keeping my eyes fixed firmly on Christ. He has shown what incredible support surrounds me and my family, even from a distance. He has also shown me how to creatively show support to others from my own living room.

I could go on for a lot longer, but the girls are waking up, which means the start of another day of doing what I’ve been doing for the last year. While I look forward to the day when you and I will no longer be so intimately acquainted, I wanted to make sure to thank you before you go. I can certainly say that we wouldn’t be the same without you, and we will never forget you.

Sincerely,

A very tired, very blessed pandemic mom