Have you ever read a book where the main character dies and gotten really upset at the author? I have. How could they kill off so and so when I am invested? Well, I can now tell you from experience that the author has a much more difficult time putting that character to death than the reader has reading about it. The author, as the creator of that character, is more invested than any outsider.

I am in the final stages of writing a Christian allegory for children ages 4-8. The Christ figure in the story is a great golden eagle. In the story, the sin of the main characters puts the eagle in grave danger, and it seems that death is a real possibility. This uncertainty lasts for a while, but all is well in the end. I finished the manuscript almost a year ago and am waiting on illustrations before publishing (AKA, not the time to be editing).

This past week, with Easter on my mind, I woke up with one terrible thought. The story is all wrong. The eagle has to die. He can’t just come close. We can’t go 90% of the way and then skip over the unpleasant part. And not only does he have to die, but as the author, I have to be the one to kill him.

In so many ways, writing a book is like playing God. If my characters get into trouble, I am the one who figures out how to overcome it, even if the characters are the ones doing the actions. Killing the eagle was so hard to do. Even though I know the end of the story, I cried. It hurt. I sat with the page forever, trying to find any other way to tell the story without doing the deed. And then I had to decide how it would happen, and it couldn’t be an easy or peaceful death. As I typed the words, the tears flowed, and I hated myself for killing the eagle.

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

Matthew 26:36-42, NIV

So often when reading the Easter story, we process how the story affects us. Jesus died because He loves me. True Jesus chose death. He didn’t have to pay the price for my sin. Also true. But there is more.

God, the one who loves Jesus as part of Himself, had to write that script. Together they knew what would happen, and at 90% of the way, Jesus asked if there was any other way to accomplish the desired end. Could it come close to death but not really end that way? No. Could it be an easy death? No. 

We often believe that because the end of the story is victorious on Easter morning, that all of the pain and suffering before it were somehow not as difficult, but the reality is that the suffering was real. Jesus begs for any other option in the garden. Jesus cries out in anguish as His Father forsakes Him. The pain is overwhelming. There is no skipping over it. The only way is through. 

When the characters in my story see the eagle come back to life, they run to embrace Him. Even though the guilt over the pain they caused is heavy, it is the only possible reaction in their relief. After hearing the Easter story so many times, it is easy to forget the deep relief, gratitude, and joy over the fact that Jesus is alive. But He is! And it is a miracle.

Jesus, thank you for enduring so much pain for my sins. Thank you for not turning back at the end, but for finishing what you came to do. I am sorry that your death was at my hands. Your love for me is overwhelming. I love you!

Sit with the Easter story this week. Read it several times, putting yourself in each character’s position (Jesus, God, the crowd, etc.) Which one is the most relatable? Which one is the most difficult?

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